Psychological Confessions: ELEMENTARY YEARS

This stage is termed by Erikson as the middle school age. And true enough, most, if not all of my memorable experiences here have something to do with school. In general, I remember that I was a very diligent and intelligent student. Yearly, from prep to grade six, I received recognition for my academic excellence and active extra-curricular service and participation. I went up the stage to talk, sing, dance, recite poems & speeches, host, declaim, etc. I was also one of the best kickball players and runners. St. Scholastica has helped developed all aspects of my personhood. I was always an active student and officer in my class and in various clubs. To wit: In Grade 2, I was the Class President and I received an academic award with honors; In Grade 3, I was the Art Club President, I received a “Best Club Member” certificate and I received an academic award with high honors; In Grade 4, I was the Sewing Club President, I received a “Best Club Member” certificate and I received an academic award with high honors; In Grade 5, I was the Class Vice-President and I received an academic award with honors; In Grade 6, I was a Barangayette Grade Level Representative and I graduated with high honors. So to speak, my academic life was really good during my elementary years. I developed industry more than inferiority. I developed certain skills in writing, reading, speaking, drawing, craft-making, sewing, playing kickball and relays, etc.  I am very glad about these things because I know that they have laid my foundation for having good study habits, proper time management and motivation for excellence.

            Aside from developing the tasks of concrete operations, skill learning, self-evaluation and team play, I have also formed and deepened a lot of my friendships. I had five best friends (one in Grade 2, one in Grade 3, one from Grades 4-6 and another 2 in Grade 6) and a lot of cliques. It was during my Elementary years when I have first really gained the attention that I was subconsciously needing. Everywhere I go, I was greeted by friends, and most often, by my fellow batchmates whom I even don’t know personally. I loved the feeling of always being recognized.

            With regard to my teachers, I remember them all very well. However, there was this one teacher of mine back in Grade 2 who terrorized me so much. She was also my Grade 5 adviser. Anyway, back in Grade 2, she was my Math teacher. One day, I came to class with my homework dine by my Dad because I had so much assignments to do the night before that he answered it for me. It was a simple set of arithmetic equations which I could have done fairly well if it wasn’t so long. The next day, I forgot to check  and rewrite it and my teacher found out.  Consequently, she scolded me in front of the whole class. I was not only embarrassed but most of all, terrified of her! It didn’t help that she was a big-boned lady with low booming voice. I know I was quite good in Math. It’s just that I was so affected by my fear of her that I think I have developed an inferiority in Math. It’s just now that I realized this because in the succeeding years, I always thought that I will never be good with numbers. And so, I never excelled in Math. I was good… Only good… Never excellent. When I took an entrance test to one of the best Math and Science High Schools, I failed because of Math. In High School, I was chosen a number of times to compete in Regional Physics and Math Olympiads but I never won. Not even once. In my college freshman year, I took remedial classes in Math. I even flunked most of my Psychological Testing exams because it dealt with confusing numbers and statistics. And now, I would like to blame it to that traumatic experience of mine back in Grade 2.  However, I do believe that I can control my destiny. It’s just a matter of paradigm shifts, making good decisions and being responsible for my own actions.

            Regading Freud’s theory of latency during this stage, I would like to refute it because it did not apply to my life. I would like to be honest about myself by saying that I remember well enough that even at Prep, I already had posed sexily in front of the mirror, wearing something flimsy. It was also some time during this stage that I learned to reach orgasm without intending to, that I was masturbating without being aware of it. I did  not use my fingers or anything like that. I just sat or laid down in a cross-legged position, did some sexual fantasizing with the faces of my crushes in mine and voila!  I felt this throbbing, pleasurable sensation in my genitals. I was hooked on it until Grade 6! And this fact had a very huge implication to my life right now. The realization that I was doing a bad deed came to me as a shock! I hated myself because of the common notion that it is evil. But on the brighter side, it has now made me aware that I am a sexually active adolescent lady, although still very much a virgin; that I have control over my libido and sexuality; that I can, if I will myself to, satisfy myself even without a man. And because of my acceptance of this experience of mine, it has made me the kind of person that I am today, that is, I am open to any topic regarding sex, relationships, love and lust as long as it is discussed in a responsible manner. It made me relate better with guys; it made people open up to me; it made me search for the spirit of God which I know is in me. And so, in relation to this, I have very exciting social and love lives. In our neighborhood, as early as eight years old, I already had admirers of the opposite sex. These admirers of mine became my childhood buddies. Even if I came from an exclusive school for girls,  I had no qualms about making friends wit boys. I even played tex, kickball, hide and seek, patintero, etc. with them.  Up until my sixth grade, I was linked with so many of my guy neighbors and friends. A bunch of them even courted me. It’s a good thing that most of them were my crushes too and my parents were quite liberal that they let me entertain my guy friends at home. But only one of them became my puppy love. His name was  Gary and we had this mutual understanding that we liked each other.  I was twelve years old then and he was thirteen.  But even if we were in M.U. state, I still had a major crush to one of my childhood buddies named Rick.  He often visited me at home to talk, usually about his crush, which of course broke my heart inside but I didn’t let it show. In the midst of all these love mambo-jumbo, I was soon to find out that one of my service mates from an exclusive school for boys had a crush on me. Hi name was Billy. He started sending me letters (which was the trend at that time) and we became letter-writing buddies. I really found this experience with Billy somewhat peculiar. We were bus mates then, but we only talked once.  Well, aside from the fact that it is not a norm to see a female student talking with a male student, he was also a shy, timid boy. That was back in 2001 when we were practicing for our graduation  and both he and I were dismissed early from school. This was the time when he knew that I would be transferring to another city to continue my high school studies. He was so perplexed that he wrote me a letter begging me not to go. It was only after a few years that he told me the reason why he did not take the entrance exam in one of the most prestigious high schools in our city. It was because he did not want to be away from me. He thought we would still be bus mates and eventually become better friends up until we graduate from High School. It was really sweet of him. But of course, since I am the adventurous type, I transferred to the other city.

            Aside from these contact with guys, I also experienced having crushes on girls from the High School Basketball Team. Everybody at that time seemed to have crushes on the same sex so I did nit think it as bad.

            I thought all this wonderful attention I’ve been getting would cease when I transferred. I was quite wrong. You’ll soon find out…